In case you need reminding:
You are allowed to want more from your life.
You’re allowed to want bigger.
Bolder.
Brighter.
You’re allowed to want more-
More vibrancy.
More passion.
More joy.
More pleasure.
We have been trained, since birth, to not want.
To not be a bother.
To not inconvenience anyone.
To be grateful.
For table scraps.
We’ve been told not to have needs.
To put others’ needs before our own.
To do what we’re told.
And want what you’re told to want.
To be good women.
Because women who want
Are problems-
When in actuality, women who want are
Dangerous.
I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling guilty
Guilty for not wanting what I am supposed to want-
For wanting more.
Especially when what I have is “good enough”.
It’s nice. It’s easy. It’s comfortable. It’s safe. – who am I to want more than that? There are
people who don’t have it as good. I should just be content. I’m ungrateful. Entitled.
But I am telling you as much as I am telling myself- let yourself be entitled then.
You are entitled to a life you love. And not just you, all of us.
A life that makes you wake up every morning excited.
A life that lights you up.
Sparks a fire in you.
A life you want to live.
And not that it will be without pain. Hell no, pain is a necessary part of it. Part of being human.
Part of being alive. But a life where the pain feels worth it and your trust in yourself is so deep
you know you can hold yourself through it and that a different version of yourself waits on the
other side of it.
So,
If you did all the things- the school, the job, the marriage, the house, the kids, (or even if you
didn’t) and you still don’t feel satisfied- that’s okay- there’s nothing wrong with you’re your
desires are bigger than the life you are living. You are.
And
You’re allowed to want more.
If there is some small voice in you that says, “is that all there is?”, a fire, a longing, a pull- I beg
you to get curious about it. Just give it space, acknowledge it, and know that it is allowed to be
there. And it being there doesn’t make you any less. It makes you human.
And if you’re scared, that’s normal. Thinking about doing and wanting that which you have
been told not to is scary. And even if you do nothing with it- while a difficult place to be, I know-
know that even wanting more is an act of resistance against everything you’ve been told to
desire.
Right now, at this moment, I’m in love with my life. In love with myself. In love with this
moment. The stillness of the night, minus the odd passing car and train. The barking dogs in the
distance. The sound of the ocean. The wine is going down.
I love the contrast of my white polished nails against my tanned skin. I like the way they glow in
the dark. And my pink sarong against the night blue sky. I can feel my belly distended and for
the first time in days, I don’t care.
I’m anticipating the arrival of my lover. It is a mix of excitement & anxiety. Excited to feel his
skin, drink his smell, have him here, in the flesh, in my world. Converge. Drink wine and
entertain one another right here. In this very spot. In 24 hours.
But what if it’s awful? What if we get sick of one another? Or worse, what if we don’t?