I stayed because it wasn’t always bad.
Because there were lots of good moments.
In between the gut wrenching.
I stayed because I saw the potential
In what could be,
But never would be.
I stayed because in some way,
Unbeknownst to me,
I was trying to save those
I couldn’t save-
By trying to save him.
I stayed because we was there
When the unthinkable happened.
Tying us together in some weird, dysfunctional
Trauma bond.
I stayed because in some odd ways
We took care of each other.
I stayed because I was terrified
Of what would happen to him
If I left.
I stayed because I loved him
And surely love would be enough.
I stayed because I understood his struggles,
I had been through them
With others.
I stayed because I saw his struggles
As mental illness,
Not as manipulative
Or abusive.
I stayed because I lost myself
And I no longer knew what I needed
Or what I deserved.
I stayed because I had grown to distrust myself
Unsure of what was real or “just in my head”.
I stayed because in many ways,
It was easier than leaving.
I stayed because I was lying to myself.
Because I didn’t know any thing different.
I stayed because I was scared of what
Life would be
Without him
Without taking care of someone.
I left because I was dying.
And I had to make a choice:
Him
Or
Me.
I chose me.